.Saturday, November 15, 2008 ' 11:02 AM Y
To the world:
here i am. outside. in the middle of the night. feeling all sick and messed up. thoughts running all over my head. what and why. i don't understand and never will. what to do. what happened. why it happened. why me. what is it with me that anyone that sees my face will get angry or something bad will happen. doesn't anyone appreciate what i do. doesn't anyone understand why i can't do this and that. why is it that my efforts to make something good goes to waste. or anyone will only remember it for 5 seconds. or wont remember it at all. whats so different between me and them. i dont understand. i prayed. i've put all my effort. i've been patient. only that nowadays i've been more unrealistic and temperamental. why. i ask god why!?
why!? WHY!?why me and not anyone else. what's my purpose here if everything i do is wrong and nothing can make a tick out of it. why was i ever been born in the first place. born with no purpose but to be hated. give me one good reason why. be a slave to everyone? feed everyone's needs? i rather die! i rather be away from them if it keeps me from making them unhappy. take my life and i'll shut the fuck up! i prayed to you and you dont even answered me once! what's the fucking point! is there even a point! i'm not insulting but im questioning you! ever since that day my tears never stopped rolling! it keeps roling till now! till when? till i die!? then go ahead do it!
i loved everyone. especially the gf. you know how much i really loved her. you know what i'll do just to make her happy. but what are you trying to prove god. i'm not the person she really dreamt of having. im not rich. i've a lowly life. i'm boring. i;m not like any other guy! or any other guy she talks to! i'm the worst. the worst fucker to be around her. the biggest jerk ever. the family got a replacement eldest child. maybe she should have a replacement too. i'm never a good use allah. never was. but i want you to know. my feelings are true. for her. for everyone. i don't care what people say. i don't care what people think.
so please. help me. for the last time i'm asking. please help me god. i'm hopeless.you see me crying here. you see your own man crying. you know what's in him. i'm not as strong as you think i would be.
i'm not. :'(